The Legend of Simon Conjurer (2006) Reviews

• One of the BEST bad movies I've ever seen!

  Chubbynluv2006-06-08

  There's a lot of speculation on the internet as to whether this film is fake or legit. Mystery solved. It's real. And real bad! I can't begin to tell you how amazingly awful this film is.....but I'll try. 1) The movie is WAY over 2 hours, and seriously, there are only about 6 scenes in the whole film. They NEVER END. (And every scene consists of characters basically saying "No" or "What are you talking about?" or "I'm not doing that!" or "I'm staying here" or "Why should we listen to you?" over and over and over again. And whenever the plot comes to a screeching halt, the characters are quiet for a few seconds before one of them blurts out "Let's see what the book says!") 2) Every single shot is held too long. I'm talking about reaction shots that last about 15-20 seconds. It's INSANE! The movie could seriously be 90 minutes if it were edited competently! And each time there's a "big" moment, the director and editor cut to EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER for a reaction shot. And there are like a dozen characters to cut to. By the sixth cutaway, your laughter will become uncontrollable. 3) As the film chugs along, each "character" is "cured" of their hilariously one-dimensional problem. (Even "Saved by the Bell" had more intelligent portrayals of addiction.) After each character gets to the root of their problem, Rebel (yes, that's a character) will say "One down, nine to go." Or "Three down, seven to go." Or "Eight down, two to go!" Every time it happens, it's like an evil taunt from filmmaker to audience. "HA! I'm not done with you yet! There's still another HOUR of film to sit through!!!" 4) Monologues, monologues, monologues. Nearly every scene contains a monologue or two (or seven) but they're not monologues really. It's more like....how can I say this? A character will repeat the same thought about 90 times, but in different words. Something like "Wow. I don't need to drink anymore. I used to be a drunk, but now I don't need to drink. It's amazing that I don't need to drink alcohol anymore. How great is it that I don't need to drink! I don't want to drink. I don't NEED to drink!" 5) Inexplicably, everyone pronounces Simon Conjurer's name as Simon ConJURer. It never gets old. It's hysterical EVERY SINGLE TIME. 6) There's a gratuitous sex scene in a waterfall shower which features dialogue like "I'm so wet" and "Now we're BOTH wet." It's hard to tell whether the characters are talking dirty to each other or just exchanging puns. Plus, while the woman is COMPLETELY naked, the man keeps his pants on for the (ridiculously long) exchange. It's exploitation at its finest! 7) About 4 or 5 times, the audience is treated to 360-degree SLLLLLOOOOOWWW pans. As my friend said, by the 190-degree mark, you realize that the director's committed to this shot for the long haul so just sit back and enjoy every pointless moment of it. 8) Michel Legrand composed the score, which is so over-the-top and bombastic that your heart cries a little bit, in a bad way, when you realize that this is the same guy who created the music for "The Umbrellas of Cherbourg." I guess the French are known for their cheese... 9) The mysterious writer/director is listed as "?" on all the promotional materials (and his name is obstructed during the opening credit sequence). However, after some minor (and I mean MINOR) surfing on the film's website, you can see that it's Stuart Paul. (The filmmakers can't even run a "secret" ad campaign properly!!) Even better, Stuart Paul explains his decision to remove his name from the film at the tail of the end credits. This explanation alone is worth the $10 ticket. It refers to an army of "uncivilized forces" that tried to prevent the film from being made. It's MINDBOGGLING. 10) Jon Voight. Penis statue. Gun. Need I say more? Seriously, I have a lot of affection for this puppy. I adore great bad movies and this one really takes the cake. It should be shown in every film class as an example of what NOT to do. Forget "Snakes on a Plane." Summer '06 is all about The Legend of Simon Conjurer!" (I mean, ConJURer.)

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• The most horrible piece of trash i've ever seen....and i loved every minute!

  monsieurcs2006-06-08

  I went into this movie based on the expectation that the movie would have the most ridiculous plot, poorly written characters, an amazingly bad story and terrible acting......and let me tell you, it met EVERY expectation AND MORE! If you love terrible cinema, then run, don't walk, leap over giant obstacles, head butt old ladies, do anything it takes, just SEE this movie. The movie is about a man named Simon Conjurer that also may or may not be Jesus incarnate, we don't know...but what we DO know is that his long flowing hair did more acting throughout the movie than he did. Simon Conjurer runs a class that helps people get over their problems or vices. Problems such as over-eating, depression and homosexuality. That's right, homosexuality IS a problem guys. Conjurer takes the class on an adventure where, one by one, they all have a "realization moment" where they remember something in their past that triggered their current problems. The flash-back's are, quite simply, hilariously bad. All the while, the class is also being chased by the evil Dr Crazx, a role which will surely ruin Jon Voight's career if seen by the general public. He plays an obsessed chocoholic that may or may not be a homosexual as well. He is horrendous in the movie (at least it has consistency in its putrid nature!) The movie has no surprises at all, other than the continuing surprise that you'll have at every inept frame that is up on screen. All technical aspects, from editing, lighting, sound design, score, etc, are laughably bad. If you watch the making of Documentary, the director states right at the beginning that "I have no idea how to direct a movie....this should be fun!".....we can tell Mr. Q. Mark, we can tell. To sum it up, go see this movie before it disappears forever. And laugh your heart out at the absurdity that is The Legend of Simon Conjurer.

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• Movie was terrible however I like the

  kellysteve-829642016-06-06

  Lab-Tech guy, Thought he stood out raw Talent, interesting if I may say so ! although he had a relatively small part , he was specific and seemed to nail the character, I like his choices, Seemed to be very comfortable in his role Lab-Tech guy, Thought he stood out raw Talent, interesting if I may say so ! although he had a relatively small part , he was specific and seemed to nail the character, I like his choices Lab-Tech guy, Thought he stood out raw Talent, interesting if I may say so ! although he had a relatively small part , he was specific and seemed to nail the character, I like his choices Hope to see more of him

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• Great Flick

  goingyard102006-06-09

  I thought the movie was great.I enjoyed it from start to finish. It showed a teacher ( Not Jesus ) helping these individuals understand who they really are. As for the character "Tunes" he wasn't homosexual. If you watched and followed the movie it simply stated that he had no idea what is sexuality was. At the end it was Tunes who figured out what his sexuality was. I gotta tell you, i loved this movie. I thought the character of Simon Conjuror was played extremely well. He brought a mysterious aspect to the movie. You knew he was good because he was there to aid these people through whatever obstacles they were running into. I wouldn't say these people had problems or were misfits. They were just trying to find away to be happy and Simon Conjuror helped them realize that is you that can only make yourself feel good about who you are regardless if you're fat, skinny,angry ,shy,etc....

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